Archive for July, 2010

The Stiglets……

July 29, 2010

Skosh doesn’t have the world’s longest fuse, no pun intended.

Now granted, the Stiglets that live in the zipper compartment of my

Perfect Bag are indispensable to me, I admit that freely.  I would not have nearly as good a time as I do if I didn’t have them as tenants.  However, they are a trifle…undisciplined in nature, shall we say, and Skosh finds them unbearable.

As he grows, Skosh see himself as a somewhat Gatsby-like figure….lonely in soul and tortured by his own intelligence but CLASSY, BY GOD and no mistake.  He needles and nags for me to buy ascots for him.  A tie pin for the ascots.  a striped vest.  Not to mention that it took several weeks to convince him that with his particular proclivities, a cigarette holder would be a stunningly bad idea.  Still, he has graven-in-stone ideas concerning proper behavior and even hearing the voice of one of the Stiglets makes him physically nauseous.  “who in Hades refers to one’s mate as “maw” or “paw”??’  a maw is an open mouth, or so  I hear, and a paw is…well….one of those things  those hairy whatever-they-ares that you set such store by  have.  Maw.Paw,  for Christ’s….” at which  point I have to reprimand him for swearing in front of the kitten.

‘Matchbox trash!’ he fumes…literally.  ‘zipperslags!!’  He maintains that they are not to be tolerated with their loud music at all hours and the clanking of mounds of tiny bottles hitting the trash early in the morning, yelling indistinguishable but ill-tempered rants at three a.m….well..Skosh does have a point.  They are not  exactly the family of stigs I would have chosen but here they are and if I want to maintain my lifestyle, it’s come up regularly with the beer and the jerky or else.

I think  the clinkers really hit the fan, though, when Britney came to town.

Now, none of us here in the house can abide Britney Spears, not even for a nanosecond, and Skosh is the most vocal about it so we simply avoid her at all costs.  however, the stiglets do not share our abhorrence and don’t care who knows it and when they found out that she was in concert at the local hogcall two nights later, the noise level from the zipper of the Perfect Bag became completely unbearable.  I have never learned more than a few words of stiglish so I never did find out what they were squalling about, I gathered it was some manner of thorn-throwing contest to see who got the best tickets.  In any case the big night finally came and my bag reeked of a foul miasma of conflicting and varied stiglet ‘colognes’ and after…shaves?  the stiglets were on the move.

Skosh was completely unaware of this event since whenever he catches a glimpse of La Spears, he is unable to control his loathing and something in the house gets singed, so we kept him in the dark as much as possible….but on the evening in question, my zipper compartment burst open and with a flurry of denim, crinoline and a variety of unbearable reekings, here came the eeehaw set in a screaming body, uttering at top volume the only english sentence they know..’ OMG ITZ BRITTNEEEE!!!’   Skosh, caught completely off guard, was knocked to the floor and a herd of stigs ran over his tummy and his neck and were out the door and  gone before he had a chance to react other than viscerally. his tail flew into the air and it took him five minutes to right  himself  by which time the stiglets were but a faint and fragrant memory, at least for the remainder of the evening.  That was two weeks ago and the vet tells me that Skosh will be sitting up and taking nourishment any day now, but I still have no idea how I shall manage to fix, much less explain to a handyman, the wide swath of charcoal across the ceiling of the house, or why there is yet the slight, lingering scent of strawberry gravy cologne on the air.  –Posted by Susan

Find strange art by Susan and Dennis at Galerie Yggdrasil

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The Perfect Bag……

July 19, 2010

Ah, that most elusive of inanimate objects, the Perfect Bag.

Each woman has her own thoughts as to the construction of the Perfect Bag based on her personal needs, and I am no different, at least not in that regard.

My perfect bag would be created thusly:  a large, simple messenger bag shape made from clear, supple leather; probably Italian leather, with a large flap covering the entire front of the bag.  Under the flap on the outside of the bag will be a wide zip pocket for receipts and grocery lists, playlists and concert programs.  The back of the bag that rests against the body will have a similar zip pocket for small notebooks,  purchase coupons for the usual suspects, and a wee French trousse.  Ideally, the inside of the overflap that covers front of the bag would have a third zip pocket, to cover overflow from the first two.  One must use this pocket with extreme care to avoid unsightly bulges.

Now:  the interior.  This is of paramount importance since it will not only  provide you a home away from home, as it were, but also a true home for….but I digress.

The interior of the Perfect Bag will have two generous compartments, bisected by a zip compartment the size of those on either side.  One of the compartments on either side will have pockets sewn into it to house the unnecessary and annoying cell phone, two pens, and a spare pair of bifocals.  There are times when you will be doing some serious shopping and you will need those glasses to see your choices clearly to avoid looking like a refugee from Carnivale

And those SHOES!! So:  don’t waste time on empty vanity. The compartments themselves will hold your wallet, your partner’s wallet, your checkbook, a hardback copy of “Harry potter and the Deathly Hallows” or, if you are shallow and pretentious and want to impress strangers, a copy of “Middlemarch” which you will never read.  The other compartment will handily carry your screwdriver, measuring tape, a tube of E6000 in a plastic ziploc bag, another ziploc bag holding baby carrots and cherries, and a Flogging Molly cd.

Now we come to the middle zipper compartment.  You will need to search carefully for the furnishings for this compartment since its inhabitants tend to be fussy and cranky if crossed.  you will need to find, in very tiny forms, a fold out couch, a really really tiny cat bed, a minute bookshelf, an overstuffed eeentsy chair (with hassock)  and a thin wide-screen tv, the term ‘wide screen’ being relative here.  you will also need a postage stamp sized fridge, and this is not a simple item to locate.  I speak from experience.  keep the fridge filled, some suggestions are tiny wild strawberries, pepitas (unsalted) and once in awhile a quarter inch of a twinkie or spicy turkey jerkey.  you will receive notice when your services are needed in this regard.

This may sound a little out of the ordinary for a bag, but when it was suggested to me that I write of the Perfect Bag, I assumed that the word Perfect was the operative word.  The above described bag is perfect, in all aspects, and if you maintain a slavish devotion to the needs of the inhabitants of Middle Zipperton, you will reap rewards beyond your ken.  there is one more zipper pocket….toward the bottom of the outside of Middle Zipperton.  when you run short of what P.G. Wodehouse used to refer to as “the brightest and best”, that is to say,  should you become financially embarrassed at any point, unzip the lower compartment.  if you have been keeping your end of the bargain…..you’ll will never have to worry about the accumulation of filthy lucre again.  Never.

Just keep those pepitas coming.  and should you have a request for something more unusual….find it.  They mean it.  At night you might want to put your Perfect Bag in the closet since the inhabitants tend to get a little noisy on the weekends.  Believe me, these little inconveniences are more than overshadowed by the blessings.  Enjoy. Posted by Susan.

Find more art by Susan and Dennis at : Galerie Yggdrasil

The Liar’s Opera (Mask # 36)…….

July 10, 2010

The reason for scant posting recently is that we are involved in what I have come to call The Liar’s Opera.
Imagine if you will a musical drama……..

Libretto by Hunter S. Thompson. The score is a collaboration by Arnold Schoenberg, Steven Sondheim, and the Rolling Stones.
Dramatis personae: The tenant, the tenant’s daughter, a band of tweakers, (the chorus).
The property manager, the property owner, whose  role is performed by a mime, because she is speechless.
Posted by Dennis.
See weird and wonderful stuff by Susan and Dennis at Galerie Yggdrasil