Archive for May, 2012

We’re back,and normal erratic service will resume shortly……

May 25, 2012

American Meltdown by Dennis Kish

For those wondering where we’ve been, we offer this tale; remember, this is only an explination.


Someone check the windows…Skosh!  Check the..okay.  Now the…okay.  All the doors secured?  Jon, how about the….okay.  Neckers?  Is the….no, put that down…is the…okay, okay.

All rightie then, this is the thing, see.   We were sailing along, the same old daily routine, the last thing we expected was for something to happen that would see us incarcerated and isolated from all that we knew.

One afternoon about three months ago, and it seems more like years, the kids and Dennis and I were clearing out both the weeds and a huge looming bougainvillea from the back yard, and we were back and forth, in and out of the front of the house carrying armloads of cuttings and piles of weeds and old broken crockery when we spotted a very large, black, gas-guzzling SUV easing past and slowing down as they passed our little house.  We thought offhandedly that perhaps it was another one of those one percenters looking for a likely spot to rip down two or three old houses to build one of those unmentionable orange stucco horrors of which they are so fond, and thought no more about it.  Big mistake, as it turned out.

At about 2 the following morning when we were all abed and sleeping the sleep of the just, a fearsome slamming noise came from the front door, accompanied by yelling and spotlights and the smell of cordite.  We were all terrified, naturally, but the most frightened was, of course, Heather, who is of a ‘delicate’ nature to begin with and thought that we were being attacked by English-speaking Velociraptors and began to flap around and around the ceiling, screeching at the top of her dainty little lungs about marauders and death, getting feathers all over the floor and also all over those of us running aimlessly around upon it.  This action only made things much worse, as of course it would.

Apparently, we had been targeted for some time by the brave stalwarts of Homeland Security due to the noticeable lack of an American flag atop our house, and the suspicious bumper stickers on the back of the Prius, and of course the Prius, which was never seen at church on any Sunday…oh, I could go on, but what capped it in the end was Heather.

The stalwarts and their spotlights and rifles and those adorable uniforms had been watching Heather.  They found her suspicious because she expressed a preference for living at my house rather than with her fabulously wealthy socialite mother, which was suspect in the eyes of those who worship wealth and the wealthy blindly, as the H.S. boys are trained to do, and when they saw her flapping wildly near the ceiling that clinched it for them and we were arrested on the spot.  It seems that for the last 4 months, due to her unacceptable preferences, Heather had been on the no-fly list.  This terrible breach of the LAW was just what the boys in black and camo needed.  We were all carted off to the pokey, chained and restrained even more than we would have been if Skosh had not panicked and shape-shifted into a large evil-looking box with “AK 47s/ 6 doz” stenciled on the side.

It has taken all this time and the hard work of many progressive pro bono legal beagles (friends of Skosh, nudge nudge, wink wink, ya gotta love those shape shifters).  Finally we were released and allowed to return home. Those Homeland Security jerks ate everything in the fridge and let my tomato plants die but I guess I should be relieved that we were released at all. The Vamps were so furious when they saw the poor dead tomatoes that they were ready to become the real deal and drain the culprits that failed to water the plants, but I calmed them with promises of a nice tomato aspic  and set to work shopping and cooking.  After a strange and wonderful meal of aspic, bologna sandwiches for Skosh, fermented honeysuckle nectar for the little wingies, Neckers and Neil,  a huge pile of gummi worms for Miss Thing who is now, happily, off the no-fly list (it was all a mistake, ma’am), and about 30 pounds of marinara and pasta for Dennis and me, we all fell into a sound and wonderful slumber.

The upshot of all this is by way of explaining why we were unavailable for comment over the last few months, but rest assured, we are now free to resume our lives, and our stories to share with you.  until early June, then….I think we’ll go back to our respective beds, nests, and coffins.  Bonne nuit.

Posted by Susan.

We’ll have new art and stories to post shortly.